On Thursday, May 8, just after 6pm local time, white smoke billowed from Vatican City, signaling the selection of a new Pope on only the second day of the papal conclave.
Soon, it was announced that Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost, now Pope Leo XIV, had been named the new leader of 1.4 billion Roman Catholics around the world.
Originally from Chicago, Prevost is the first-ever American Pope and naturally the subject of one of the better days on the internet in recent memory.
Our most famous Chicagoan offered his congratulations and best wishes to the new pontiff.
Liking Sufjan Stevens? He’s a millennial. We count that.
In my notes, this next section is just called “Food & Beverage.”
While the Pope’s football allegiances can be assumed…
…a minor controversy emerged when the Chicago Cubs tried to claim him as one of their own.
But the Chicago White Sox fans brought the receipts!
Prevost is also an alumnus of Villanova. Having myself gone to college just down the street from Villanova, it does feel spiritually off to have a Pope that lived on the Main Line. But He moves in mysterious ways!
Thank you to my official Sports Correspondent for informing me the Knicks roster includes four recent players from Villanova’s championship-winning team.
To those who know him personally, Pope Leo XIV is just Bob.
Best of all, Pope Bob is a poster. Popes: just like us!!!
Not only is he a poster, he’s explicitly called out our most powerful internet troll, Vice President JD Vance, more than once.
Continued in Part 2.
Today on the Internet 